As a school psychologist I have to pleasure of listening. Sometimes, listening is hard and heartbreaking. Other times, it is incredibly inspiring especially when I watch a student grow. Below Becky shared her story with me and gave me permission to share it with you. She is a true inspiration. She gives other students who suffer hope and through her experiences helps them dig deep to find their resilience. Here is her story…
I have been a ballet dancer for most of my life. Starting when I was about four years old and following through with it until senior year of high school. Ballet is a beautiful way to express yourself, to learn a sense of discipline, and to be introduced to the arts. What ballet can also do for you is damage your self image.
Everyday for at least two hours I would stand in a room of mirrors, wearing skin tight clothing that shows every curve of my body, being judged for how my body looked in each position. Ballet is all about self expression, however there is a right way and a wrong way in classical ballet. When you don’t look like the rest of the dancers you stick out, which is not always a good thing in terms of performing in a corp.
I remember the first time I felt embarrassed of my body. I was seven years old and I was ashamed of how my thighs were thicker than the other girls in my ballet class. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that was when my body dysmorphia introduced itself to me.
When I was eight years old, my father went through a very invasive open heart surgery. As a third grader, this was terrifying. I had all of these “what if” thoughts going through my head, but I never expressed them. That was my first mistake. Rather than sharing my anxiety and dealing with it in a healthy way, I internalized it and replaced those thoughts with a focus on my already poor relationship with food and my body. This is the beginning of my eating disorder.
Eight year olds should not be doing work out videos in their basement and checking the scale everyday. Ten year olds should not be checking calories. Twelve year olds should not be skipping meals. But I was. When I was thirteen I spent two weeks at a ballet camp. While I was there I lost a significant amount of weight and when I returned I was praised by friends. Some parents even had asked me “what my secret was.” I was vulnerable and their excitement encouraged me to keep doing what I was doing.
Throughout middle school my anxiety and depression became worse. It got to the point where self mutilation was my go to just so I could feel something. It wasn’t until freshman year of high school that I couldn’t handle it anymore. Memorial day of 2014, my family had a small barbeque at our house. I remember spending most of my day locked in my room, too afraid to be around all the food my mom had made. That night, I woke my mom up at 2 AM and told her everything. The next day I was brought to the hospital where I was officially diagnosed with Eating Disorder NOS, general anxiety disorder, and depression. Later that week I was put into an intensive treatment program at Mather Hospital.
Being in treatment at the age of 14 was so surreal. I was the youngest in the program and was incredibly shy. To be honest, one of the reasons why I was released was because they did not feel as though I was ready for everything I was putting myself into. Treatment caused so much anxiety that it was not all beneficial. Though I did begin to learn that I did not want this anymore. Being with women in their fifties who were still in treatment allowed me to see that I did not want to be in my eating disorder when I have a family of my own.
The following summer I went to Center For Discovery (CFD) in Connecticut, a residential treatment center, where I stayed for 29 days. It was my idea to go there as I wanted to prove to those who said I wasn’t “sick enough” because I was never severely underweight that I was sick. It is a very unhealthy reason to go into treatment, but it was the best decision I have ever made. Being taken out of society, being forced to be separated from my friends and family showed me what was happening when I was deep in my disorder. It consumes so much of your attention that I didn’t realize my eating disorder was taking me away from my friends and family until I physically was sent to live in another state.
I celebrated my 16th birthday in treatment. My parents took me to the aquarium that day where I opened my gifts in a parking garage and blew out my birthday candle in a small brownie on a picnic bench. While watching the sea lions I turned to my mom and broke down. For most people, your 16th birthday is an important one where you celebrate with all of your friends and family. I was celebrating with my parents for only the few hours that I was allowed out of treatment. That was the first time I really wanted to be free of this disorder.
A week later I was released from CFD and sent back to Mather. I felt like I was thriving. I was following my meal plan, I was talking about my anxieties, I was engaging in friends and family again. I’ve continued this strive for recovery since, of course with slight relapses here and there as recovery is most definitely not a linear process. After a year of being out of CFD I had the honor of speaking as a guest to the current clients about how beautiful the world can be without your eating disorder dictating every moment. It was the most empowering feeling I have ever had and I so wish to do it again.
I have now been out of treatment for about three years and it is still the hardest thing I do everyday. I chose recovery everyday, and the days I don’t are the days that are the longest. I have a tattoo in the spot where I used to self harm that tells my recovery story in a personal way so I can look at it whenever I doubt myself. Every so often I have to remind myself why I choose recovery; it can get tiring, but it is better than slowly depleting each day.
My goal in life is to become an advocate for body positivity. The day it was introduced to me was the day my life really began. If I can bring even just one person into the world of self acceptance, that is all I need. My life changed for the better with my self love journey and I want to share my story to encourage someone else to start theirs, too.
